Memorable Quotes from "The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson"
The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson - Cast, Crew, Reviews, Plot Summary, Comments, Discussion, Taglines, Trailers, Posters, Photos, and Showtimes.

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Johnny Carson Quotes and Political Jokes
Read classic jokes and funny quotes by late-night king Johnny Carson.

Humorous Quotes of Johnny Carson
Jest for Pun
Humorous Quotes attributed to Johnny Carson

" I was so naïve as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing."

" What's all this fuss about plutonium? How could something named after a Disney character be dangerous?"

" I know you have been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive."

" If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead."

" If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners."

" Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place."

" Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill."

" According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: You don't hear from your relatives."

" I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

" The Oscars are two hours of sparkling entertainment spread over four hours."

" The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."

" If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts."


" Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair."

" When turkeys mate they think of swans."

" There's a new invention: snap-on acne for people who want to look younger."

" For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off."

" Democracy means that anyone can grow up to president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be
vice president."

" New York is an exciting town, where something is happening all the time, most unsolved."

"Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die."

" The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money."

"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas."

" Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day."